a sick person’s poop <- paul, that’s what these mashed potatoes forced me to think about every time i walked into the kitchen for the 48 hour period that these mashed potatoes lived there. paul, would it have killed you to throw it out? no seriously, would this now sentient, toxic mass of starch tried to have killed you if you attempted to dispose of it? - hahaha- enough joking around. it would actually be perfectly within reason, and in fact expected, for you to have disposed of this f*ckin stinky pile of potatoes when you decided you werent going to finish them PAUL YOU MOTHER F*CDLFKSJFSLKFHAERRR
oh hey look at that! it’s a probably empty chinese food container! im going to throw it out. now im walking towards it. Now im looking at it from a different angle- what the… what the… there is uneaten rice in here … PAULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
How did things get so Bad, Paul??? What happened to the Use a Dish, Clean a Dish policy that I thought we agreed upon when we became roommates. Paul? I know that this issue is technically not food that you didnt eat but when I woke up and walked into the kitchen this morning i did not expect to be walking into a god damn Mother FUckin DIsh GRAVEYARD!!! OKAUY NOW WHEN I USE A DISH FOR THE MOST PART I CLEAN IT IMMEDIATELY! WHENYOU CLEAN A DISH YOU CLEAN AT SOME POINT IN THE NEXT FORTNIGHT! THIS IS FUCKING UNPARDONABLE! THESE UNCLEAN DISHES WEIGH DOWN ON MY MORALE AND I FIND MYSELF SPENDING MONEY AT RESTAURANTS LIKE LITTLE CAESERS AND TOM LEE’S CHINESE FOOD THAT I COULD HAVE SAVED BY DINING IN BUT NO I CANT DO THAT BECAUSE I AM NOT WASHING YOUR FUCKIN STINKY DISHES. WHAT IN THE HELL IS IN THAT POT? IS THAT A POTION YOU BOUGHT FROM A WITCH? IT SURE SMELLS LIKE IT PAUL. OH AND HOW KIND FOR YOU TO LEAVE A NOTE. YOU WILL DO “SOME DISHES” PAUL? YOU WILL DO ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES PAUL. ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES! ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES! ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES! ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES! ALL THE GOD DAMN DISHES! ZDFHJK LAHWKJF SHFLJKAFHKJFH ASLKJFHFUYCKYOUFUCKYOU
remember these? remember these goddamn biscuits? did you really need to make all those goddamn biscuits? DID YOU!?!? SINCE WE BOTH KNOW YOU ONLY HAVE THE ROOM FOR 2.5 FUCKING BISCUITS IN YOUR STOMACH (AND THATS WHEN IT’S COMPLETELY EMPTY) MAYBE YOU DEFINITELY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE THE WHOLE ROLL OF BISCUITS, PAUL!!!!! OR BLOODY HELL PAUL, YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST OFFERED ME A BISCUIT BEFORE THEY TURNED TO FUCKING STONE LIKE HARRY RAYMOND EASTLACK. I LIKE BISCUITS TOO, PAUL! SGEKJDGHDJSGKNSDGKFDSJLDFK] SDJLDJFKSJSDLKFJ!!!!!!!!!!
so my other roommate foolishly told paul of the existence of this project. ever since i was snitched on, paul has done a great job of finishing and throwing away his food… or so i thought. earlier today i was just minding my own business and snooping around paul’s bedroom when i found this half eaten gourmet cookie. paul, paul, paul…
paul did you know that my favorite fruit is pineapple? i assume you didn’t because if you did know that my favorite fruit is pineapple you wouldn’t have left this tasty chilled pineapple drink out where i would have no fucking choice but to watch as it slowly became room temperature and then became a disgusting mockery of what it once was FUCK YOU PAUL YOU MOTHER FUCKER I LOVE PINEAPPLE IF YOU ARE GOING TO WASTE THE LAST 37 PERCENT OF THAT PINEAPPLE DRINK AT LEAST WASTE IT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN ROOM NOT OUT IN THE OPEN WHERE I HAVE TO FUCKING WATCH AS GSUGSJUDIASGKGJHAJSFHFKHJSFHAFKBSNFB<FSD ASNAMMIT PAULLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
okay paul i am trying to make some sense of this one… so you sat down on the couch with your blueberry bagel and your strawberry philadelphia cream cheese and you almost finished your bagel, paul, but then fast forward some amount of time and we are left with a bagel impaled in the cream cheese like some kind of fucking bagel excalibur and that cream cheese is just evaporating into the air because our apartment is fucking hot and we are inhaling rotten cheese and you are probably somewhere else with not a worry in your head and what the fuck is that ipod charger adaptor doing out next to the cream cheese paul what the fuck paul IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO PUT AWAY YOUR DISGUSTING FRUIT FLAVORED CHEESE AND THAT IPOD CHARGER???!??!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME ONE COME ALL, STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE WITH YOUR OWN TWO EYES THE WORK OF A TRUE MASTER! BEHOLD, THE HARD BOILED EGG THAT MY ROOMMATE PAUL COULDN’T FINISH AND THEN LEFT OUT ON THE COUNTER AS IF TO SAY “FUCK YOU” TO ME!!
paul paul paul i need to ask you a question. do i have a sign on my back that says “i love it when my roommate paul leaves food out!”? because i can’t think of any mother fucking reason for why you would continue to leave out your unfinished food and by g-d paul that MILK!!!! you left the milk out AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE FUCKING CAP ON!!!!